Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

Time	Event
5:57a	done like dinner, baby my god, pulling off that show was the most stress/work/bullshit than just about any other show i've done...this time was twiin's first time handling ALL the immigration issues on his own [unfortunately it's also given him a whole new level of appreciation for all the immigration horror stories i've told him over the years; it's a whole other level of bureaucratic hell, trust me], and of course it had to be the time when it appeared as if, at one point in time, all 3 bands wouldn't be allowed over the border to play, all for separate reasons no less...after almost 20 hours on the phone [twiin got no actual work work done at work that day...workity work work!], hours of various degrees of paperwork hell all the while 16 Volt was stuck at the border while Cyanotic was someplace else, unable to cross over because their vehicle registration had expired and the DMV was closed, etc. etc. we finally got ALL bands across... then today comes and a whole other whack'o'crap happens that threatens the show all over again, just when we thought we were done with stressful bullshit...fuck. but when it was all said and done, we got all the bands over the border and to the bar, got soundcheck finished only half an hour late and managed to pull off one of the best received, most energetic, fun shows i've ever put on...but fucking hell if only people knew the unbelievable amount of crap that went on before we could make it happen...or how many times it looked like the show just wouldn't happen...seriously unfuckingbelievable. i couldn't be happier with the folks who came out too; the crowd was fucking awesome tonight, and as always they don't even realize just how much of a great impression they leave the bands with...band members spoke to me at length about how awesome the people were, and how this is the best show they've played on the tour so far...everyone who came out should pat themselves on the back for not only helping to support truly underground music, but for showing just how musically open-minded and non-scenester-bullshit-oriented a crowd can really be...the bands were blown away by how awesome you guys were, and the folks who've played here before were so happy to be back...what a fucking night. why am i not riddled with ulcers again? complete and total dumb luck, that's why not... Current Mood: drained Current Music: drunken bandmembers (10 Comments | Comment on this)
8:19p	why i've been gone from you the past while i've been trying to sort out some truly essential, deep and overwhelmingly emotional issues that have come up over the past few years...any attempts i've made in the past to ever talk to anyone else about them have always ended up with the person i'm confiding in not able to grasp all the elements of these issues, leaving me always with the same advice [to give up entirely] given with the same concrete assertion that to entertain any other advice would be foolish to the nth degree and that their advice is without a doubt the only sane thing to do... and i've evaluated this uniform advice regularly, every time coming out the other end believing that there is much more that can be tried; that i shouldn't simply divorce myself from these problems by giving up trying to fix them...but this ends up with me never ever speaking to anyone ever [no exaggeration here, seriously] about these incredibly indepth, essential, brutally emotional issues that are not getting fixed... so then i'm left isolated and anti-social, partly because these are such huge issues they consume and overwhelm me, creating an ever widening gulf between me and everyone else since nobody else is privy to the issues or my reactions to them...so when dealing with these issues becomes too much, then there too i can't confide in anyone about my hardships managing these issues, since that would involve some degree of explaining the core issues at some level, and we've already covered the fact that this is impossible for me... i guess what i'm trying to explain, and failing, is that there are days, far too frequent this past while, where thoughts on these issues consume me, fully, and it becomes like an obsessive, compulsive loop where i cannot -not- actively think and re-think these issues with single minded ferocity that leaves room for few if any other thoughts...often this is accompanied by fierce and furious bouts of crying that, of course, is impossible to explain without opening up too many other avenues of information about these issues, leaving me alone and pathetically unable to stop obsessing over these issues, fiercely unable to just stop crying, no matter what i do... there are these things i cannot fix, certainly cannot fix overnight...but it's like my head and my heart keep insisting that i could fix things if i could only think on these problems hard enough and allow how i feel to come out..but my head and my heart are so very wrong, so here i sit again obsessing over thoughts i cannot leave untouched, unable to stop sobbing like an idiot child... . . . my. heart. hurts. Current Mood: so very lost (3 Comments | Comment on this)

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