Current mood:

so very lost

why i've been gone from you
the past while i've been trying to sort out some truly essential, deep and overwhelmingly emotional issues that have come up over the past few years...any attempts i've made in the past to ever talk to anyone else about them have always ended up with the person i'm confiding in not able to grasp all the elements of these issues, leaving me always with the same advice [to give up entirely] given with the same concrete assertion that to entertain any other advice would be foolish to the nth degree and that their advice is without a doubt the only sane thing to do...

and i've evaluated this uniform advice regularly, every time coming out the other end believing that there is much more that can be tried; that i shouldn't simply divorce myself from these problems by giving up trying to fix them...but this ends up with me never ever speaking to anyone ever [no exaggeration here, seriously] about these incredibly indepth, essential, brutally emotional issues that are not getting fixed...

so then i'm left isolated and anti-social, partly because these are such huge issues they consume and overwhelm me, creating an ever widening gulf between me and everyone else since nobody else is privy to the issues or my reactions to them...so when dealing with these issues becomes too much, then there too i can't confide in anyone about my hardships managing these issues, since that would involve some degree of explaining the core issues at some level, and we've already covered the fact that this is impossible for me...

i guess what i'm trying to explain, and failing, is that there are days, far too frequent this past while, where thoughts on these issues consume me, fully, and it becomes like an obsessive, compulsive loop where i cannot -not- actively think and re-think these issues with single minded ferocity that leaves room for few if any other thoughts...often this is accompanied by fierce and furious bouts of crying that, of course, is impossible to explain without opening up too many other avenues of information about these issues, leaving me alone and pathetically unable to stop obsessing over these issues, fiercely unable to just stop crying, no matter what i do...

there are these things i cannot fix, certainly cannot fix overnight...but it's like my head and my heart keep insisting that i could fix things if i could only think on these problems hard enough and allow how i feel to come out..but my head and my heart are so very wrong, so here i sit again obsessing over thoughts i cannot leave untouched, unable to stop sobbing like an idiot child...

. . .

my. heart. hurts.