poor. impulse. control.

one my heroes

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 13:21:10 GMT

this man was so awesome...he's someone whose work as both activist and scholar in my field[s] of study in times when opposition to our work was even more overwhelming...he was post-modern before modernism AND i'd go so far as call him a fellow academic feminist; talk about a forward thinker!

"I don't believe in God because I don't believe in Mother Goose."

"Chase after truth like hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its coat-tails."

"The fear of God is not the beginning of wisdom. The fear of God is the death of wisdom. Skepticism and doubt lead to study and investigation, and investigation is the beginning of wisdom. The modern world is the child of doubt and inquiry, as the ancient world was the child of fear and faith." - Clarence Darrow

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PS July 5th is my FIRST day off since June 15th....i'm so friggin' serious.../collapses

PPS ahhh engrish, i've been away too long...you never fail to amuse.

all work and no play makes leslie something something

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 07:34:44 GMT

PANTS!

also...my very first remix has finally been released! it's a remix of Cyanotic's track 'Deface' which i was hoping to make more electro, clubbier, and while it's only a couple years late o_0 it IS out now on the new Ad-ver-sary remix CD as he was my collaborator in t3h music makings...

---> track #15 Cyanotic - Deface (Ad·ver·sary + Dirtybunny = Industrial Strength Mix)

...and i think it sounds pretty damn good in the club after all :D

OH yeah, if you wanna download it to check it out, go right ahead!

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much more to say...later.

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later...

also, i love red ju-jubes.

random thought chain

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 03:56:26 GMT

if something is worth suffering for
then anything is worth suffering for
then nothing is worth suffering for

...

Fri, 22 May 2009 02:32:21 GMT

"men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call destiny" - John Hobbes

...you have no idea.

holy mother of fuck

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 00:35:08 GMT

please never let me run in to one of these, ever...there see? proof there is no god...GAH!

that not bad enough for you? well they're land crabs that can get freakin' h00g and are strong enough to eat friggin' coconuts...GAH! I SAY.

...

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 19:17:25 GMT

so we had to put Vallakesch [Valla] down...there isn't anything to be done for renal failure so...i'll miss her, she was my peacemaker...her sister was the protector and she was always the first to welcome the new ones to the family...i'll miss her, i'll miss them both...at least i had 18 years with them...

i'd like to wake up now please...

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 03:42:23 GMT

so i have to bring my other oldest cat, Vallakesch, the sister of Tazia who we just had to put down, to the vet tomorrow....and it may also be her last visit, depending on what happens...i'm not so good about it.

also on a far less serious note i just tore the shit out of a favourite pair of [black w/tiny white polka dots] socks on a nail the has since bee pounded back in to the depths of hell, which apparently resides just under the hardwood in the hallway...

for my Canadian friends...

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 14:14:10 GMT

you know, just in case... ;)

403-775-9982 Calgary
780-669-5270 Edmonton
905-963-0318 Hamilton
519-488-2355 London
514-667-0361 Montreal
613-686-3620 Ottawa
647-476-4910 Toronto
778-786-8557 Vancouver
250-984-0686 Victoria
204-272-3976 Winnipeg

love, Canada

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heh if you dunno what these numbers are, call your local one; i promise you won't have to talk to anyone :)

wowza

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 23:49:10 GMT

so i was almost be-headed by a large/heavy amp and turntable that flew off the back of a pick-up truck directly at my head while i was driving directly behind him...if there had been parked cars in the lane beside me or i had been just a little closer to him, i really and truly think [know] i'd be dead or at least severely injured right about now...i haven't had a brush with death like that, a real close, really real brush like that, for a long time...funny how once everything else that has come up since then today has passed, things like this can just come back on you just when you think you've got a quiet moment to yourself....i'm a bit shaken, it seems...it was so close, truly.

you know...

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 23:54:36 GMT

one of the nice things about spring since moving in to this house is feeding the Mallard ducks in the back yard that make our pool their temporary home each year....if only my camera's cord for the re-charger wasn't lost somewhere between here and Germany o_0 i'll try to post some photos once i get a replacement...

in the absence of something substantive to say...

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 23:34:55 GMT

i will never cease to be squigged out by the term 'glory hole'.

...oh and i've been painting constantly for the past while...i've got a new large mounted canvas about half finished and am also finishing up a very large unmounted canvas that i've been working on for years, that's finally almost done...i've also completed a few fine pen & ink pieces...i'll post photos with the others when they're done.

5 minutes to find the most interesting items on t3h internets

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 04:29:05 GMT

i had just enough time to kill so that it wasn't so little that you could go ahead and start moving to the next step in your day but too short to start anything or do anything worthwhile...so i decided to give myself 5 minutes of random internet browsing so see what i could find....once i found the first thing i decided to stay with a home furnishing/decor theme...you'll see why:

-too. many. pixels.
-doubles as a very large nightlight...?
-wokka wokka wokka!
-the table you never want to have to clean
-perfect for Jairus, minus the toppings
-or if you can't find it, DIY

and then found while writing this and unable to resist: i dare you to actually make and eat this o_0 twiin? oninofro? i'm lookin' at you...

Sunday Afternoon

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 11:21:37 GMT

while not exactly a light-hearted romp for a Sunday afternoon, i'm pretty sure i'll be heading to The Mayfair after work today for The Deer Hunter playing today @ 1:30pm...Didi Mau! Didi Mau! heh...

i saw this film for the first time when it came out in theatres [i was 7 or 8...i was a pretty advanced kid] and it really moved me...it's an excellent Vietnam war film, up there with Apocalypse Now with being able to touch on what my father [who, while estranged i have met him a few times in my youth], who is a Vietnam vet calls the 'real feelings of that war'...for him he says he has a hard time watching both of those films because they have elements that he feels so accurately portray what it felt like to be there; the insanity of it, the incredible intensity, stresses and surreal complete change in realities that's a bit too close to home for him...and i've got a little bit of an interest in grittier, truer portrayals of that war, or moreso the effects of the war on those there, most likely because he's estranged i suppose...

SO i'm as positive as i can be at 7am on a Sunday morning @ work that i'll be making the 1:30pm showing today...it's the only showing for this movie this month or next, so if anyone wants to come, come today and i'll be heading down with my co-worker so i'll see you there...and if you don't know it, it's a good way to finally get all those references to it [didi mau!] that you've always missed :)

--

on a personal note, i am so much stronger than i ever thought i could be...go me...doesn't mean i don't hurt though...hell, who knew you even could hurt this much without losing a limb...? but i'm in such a different place now...

i wouldn't want to ruin the surprise...

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 04:21:25 GMT

dear _iszoloscope_, sometimes i see something that is -so- you i just have to let you know...[taken from this this Flickr pool]

ALSO somehow i managed to take one of the portable phones from home to work in my pocket...?! NO CONNECTION TO BASE i fucking bet!

you can guess, then imagine something worse and you're halfway there

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 17:51:58 GMT

i've never been here before, i've never been this lost or disillusioned, and i don't even have the words to try to describe the hurt...i...i just don't know what it is that i keep doing so wrong to deserve such awfulness....such cruelty...

i am so completely lost here...the only good thing is i think being so confused, so lost and alone in this that it's keeping me from focusing on the hurt...hooray for upsides?

yes, my usual cryptic venting that is usually never what you think...which usually also means there's nothing you can do to help...'cause i suck like that.

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update
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leave it to a cat to find a way to make me smile through the tears; my h00g fluffy Norwegian Forest Cat Mecha has recently decided to start walking up my back to reach my head and SIT ON IT while i'm sitting at my laptop...?!

DJ leslie circa 1994

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 16:45:33 GMT

wow...dextra just time warped me back to 1994 quite unexpectedly by tagging me in this old photo...details on flickr, but it was for a news article or piercing magazine layout if memory serves me well...violetnun said it barely looks like me anymore, but to me *shrug* it's just, well, me...i haven't bothered with make-up for quite a while though.

crackbook

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 23:21:03 GMT

so i did it, i totally caved and got a damnable FaceBook account...mostly 'cause i'm so tired of trying to explain to everyone who asks why i don't have one already :) so far i've had to change the name on my profile to DeeJay leslie 'cause my last name was apparently very c0rnfusing for people and the Facebook people won't let me use DJ...so there, it's done...take that internets!

overtime ate my brain

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 18:17:33 GMT

i wanted to say thanks to all those wunnerful friends who've emailed and offered some really great ideas for plans but sadly i've gotten called in to work...i'm working 16 hours today, followed immediately by another 7 hours as my second Sunday shift goes overnight in to the next day, and THEN i'm back at 11pm that same [Monday] night for another overnight...so thanks people, but i'll have to postpone hang-outs until after our show this Tuesday night [which i'll have to post about asap, hopefully later this afternoon...]...so i hope some of you are still able to go on some of the adventures offered earlier in the week..?

so thanks again, you guys are so great for chasing the blues away, at least for a while...can't wait for this work madness to end and hope the show goes well; just my luck that this is the week twiin is off adventuring in Austin at SxSW until late Tuesday night, proving among other things that the world really is pretty small as he managed to run in to a friend of mine randomly on the streets of Austin, a friend who i hope would remember meeting him as well last time he was in Ottawa...at least i hope so, given the circumstances ;) [and you'll have to ask twiin to explain that one!]

so yes please to coffee, lunch or other adventures, but it'll just have to be after our show this Tuesday instead of before...just get in touch about it...oh and i managed to miss a couple films i'd wanted to see at the Mayfair lately, most recently Otto: or Up With Dead People and Let The Right One In; anyone get a chance to see either of them?

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seems my firewall at work ate the email i sent to dabblerblue post-poning our plans for today, so it's possible it ate other messages as well...so if you didn't get an email and we were supposed to hang out, h00g apologies!! my work it seems is not only eating my brain but now the internets there have turned cannibalistic...

i'll even leave my house and everything....

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 20:31:06 GMT

i tend to be pretty reclusive but i do pop my head out of my cave every so often, so anyone who'd like to go for coffee/lunch with me over the next few days, either leave me a note here or email me: djleslie[at]gmail[dot]com....so yeah...

oh also, the last couple weeks have been spent with multiple pinched nerves from partially slipped discs [between my shoulder blades this time] which all = massive migraines as the tension works its way out...which means i've not replied to any emails and whatnot; my bad, sorry...i hope to catch up over the next week or so.

The Queen is Dead, Long Live The Queen

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 21:30:52 GMT

we had to put Tazia to sleep today....it was...hard.

she gave me 18 years of fuzzy love and was my little Godzilla, my little kaiju Tazia....you'll be missed, miss....

best. review. ever.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 09:20:31 GMT

since it's 4:30am and i'm awake, i figure i'd share something that made me smile; it's the best Amazon product review ever...

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my heart is so heavy; the past month or two have been so overwhelmingly hard...

Tazia - 18 years of furry love

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 01:12:48 GMT

we'll have to see how the rest of this week goes, but my worst fears seem to be coming true; i don't think my ol' cat Tazia is able to gain enough strength/weight back in order to live normally...and i love her enough to know that i'm not about to keep a cat alive and miserable just because i'm afraid of her death...nothing to me could be more gut-churningly selfish as that...so i'm trying to hold a little hope but i'm almost sure it's false hope...i fear her long life with me is coming to an end...my poor little Tazy-Wazy....no other cat i've had has looked so much like Godzilla at the right angle, and anyone who knows me knows how much i adore that big guy...i've tried to do right by her, to give her a good life...i'd never make her suffer solely for my benefit so now it's up to me to ensure that doesn't happen, no matter what the cost to my heart...

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i think what's so hard this time is that, when Tazia's mom died [15 years ago?] of a hereditary lung defect or when we had to put Kaiya down [5 years ago?] from cancer, both cats had gotten to a point where they were aware they had lost the battle...just about anyone who's had an animal-friend who has gotten severely ill knows what kind of resigned, anti-social, quiet mood they go in to, removing themselves from the group and quietly populating a corner of the home....

but Tazia, gawd dammit, this is so hard, she doesn't want to go yet...her spirit is strong, it's willing...she doesn't understand why we can't let her out in to the rest of our very large house, she doesn't get that she can't even go to the bathroom half the time without the strain knocking her over at the end, as she stumbles from the box...she has always been so strong, a leader...my little Godzilla...and she's roaring to get out...meanwhile she can barely stand...

twiin will be able to escape work around lunch so i'll be calling our wonderful vet Dr. Z to bring her in to see him then...i don't anticipate that we'll be coming back home with her, though...

di/vulge

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 22:07:52 GMT

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if only 2 people read this long babbling post, please let it be the 2 amazing women i have only very recently opened up and confided in, i think much to their independent surprise...i really hope you know who you are, and read [more like wade] through this long, babbling mess...please? i really hope to explain...
===

people who know me know that i'm a person of vast dichotomy; in some ways i'm absolutely open and i've always said you can ask me anything and i'll answer, most likely tell you anything you'd want to know...i don't understand people who live their lives making decisions that they perpetually feel guilty about, taking actions they are constantly regretting....i don't have any interest in feeling guilt nor regret at doing or saying things contrary to who i am, so quite simply i don't do or say things that i know would bring me guilt, hence my usual openness about, well, pretty much everything....

now i'm not saying there aren't things i sometimes feel bad about, but that doesn't come from doing things i know that i'll regret later; you obviously can't always know the impact you may have, so there are always surprises, but this isn't the kind of guilt i mean, nor do i treat it the same way...so in almost anything i will, without hesitation, tell you what you may want to know, simply ask.

however...

when it comes to the things that are really close to me; my vulnerabilities, my private life, fears, hurts, intimacies, in these things i am airtight....i have many friends yet few very close ones, and fewer still who i confide in...i don't trust deeply easily or often, at least not any longer...and in most truly private things, twiin is the only one privy to any of it...and most times that's ok, most times...but even i have to admit there are times where having a few confidants, a few close enough to be able to confide the darkest, deepest thoughts, fears, and the like is something i not only want but i've come to realize, need...

recently i've taken that terrifying leap once more, i've gone with my gut and i've opened myself up to someone, well 2 someones, over the last little while, and i forgot how terrifying that can be....i also had forgotten how hard it is to finally open up to someone yet keep the explanations short and concise; those 2 things i don't know if i've ever been able to achieve, especially when it comes to expressing emotion, deep feelings, fears, hurts...when it comes to deciding to trust, to open up and lay my heart at the feet of someone who i've never opened up to before, all i can do is go with my gut and hope that in my spewing of personal secrets and private knowledge that it all comes out in some semblance of sense and that i don't come off like a ranting crazy person...

thing is, i don't 'do' linear well, i have a very hard time squashing such huge things like emotions and fears in to these tiny little words, one following after the other, always in the same direction, always so narrow...so when i tell stories i do so in a much more circular/cyclical manner, often getting back to the beginning of the 'story' after so much context and history to ground all the elements of the story, they can end up being far more indepth and detailed than even i knew, i fear overwhelmingly so....when i finally do try to open up and tell truly personal, deeply intimate truths, since there is no real beginning or end [i'm simply taking a chunk of time out of a larger pool of it, but it's far from encapsulated] i seem to end up spewing and babbling to an incredible degree in an attempt to convey all the subtleties and complexities of all the elements affecting what i'm attempting to confide...

lately, and for the first time in years and years, truly, i've taken a risk and confided in someone, 2 someones actually [and separately], two bright and wonderful women whom i've always admired from afar...they don't know each other, live in different cities and live very different lives from each other, sharing little more than me and my partner twiin in common, and in fact after years of knowing them both on a far more casual basis, i decided to bless them with my awkward attempts and trying to open up and confide, ask for help and input...

to be fair and give props to both of them, neither ran screaming nor appear to think i'm completely insane, so i suppose i've made some degree of sense...but with me, i'm about as subtle as an ox; i am always painfully honest, but that also means in an attempt to really convey all the subtleties and intimate, intricate details and elements of deep emotions and fears among so many other things, i've also babbled incessantly, spewing very personal and deeply emotional 'stuff' all over them, perhaps overwhelming them a little *cringe* or a lot...?

so this is an apology to them both; please understand i'm not meaning to overwhelm or babble or spill so much at once, nor am i trying to make each explanation an epic, i swear...but i know no other way to tell such indepth, personal truths other than to just jump in and open up...i guess since i keep so much so close and locked up so tight that when it's finally allowed out, so much of it just rushes out and over me, and i hope not blindsiding the friends whose feet i've chosen, much to their chagrin i'm sure, at which to lay such a large, unwieldy mess...

i really don't mean to overwhelm or impose with all this messy, personal 'stuff', and i'm sure it's come as a real surprise, so apologies for that as well...with both of these wonderful, strong, beautiful women, i don't think i gave them much of a chance to brace for impact, so to speak, so i fear i may have come off too 'strong', telling such deeply personal and complex truths in a plea for help and empathy, as i'm really not very good at subtle when it comes to who i am and what i feel...my honesty is awkward and whole, it's not polished nor presented, certainly not prepared ahead of time nor is it chopped up, made easy to swallow...so i fear that in my awkward attempt to open up and 'ask in' two very brilliant and admirable women, i may have overwhelmed with personal, messy, babbling truths and surprised at my interest in them, and attempts to jump feet first and just trust them both deeply and intensely may also have been not only surprising, but also perhaps a little heavy and dense...

so please, i hope you both separately know who you are, accept my sincerest and deepest thanks for listening, and apologies for any overwhelming babble, for blindsiding you with such indepth, personal truths and realities...for me it shows a deep sense of trust and respect, but i'm not skilled in the least at introducing these things to those i've only just decided to risk trusting...i hope that this hasn't put you off at all, and if so, or if you are still so confused by hurricane leslie that your head is still spinning, i'll happily expound on the situation and history to try to relieve any confusion that i've caused either of you...i fear that my babble may have scared you off, or certainly made you wonder about my state of mind :) so please know, i certainly didn't mean to impose in the least, i never know i'm going to babble at such great length until i get in to trying to explain and i realize i've written an epic ripe with intimate knowledge, fears, hurts, vulnerabilities...but please know i do this so incredibly rarely, i never trust, i never 'ask in' people to be deeper, closer friends and confidants, hence my awkwardness at it...please know it's only been my attempt to share something deep, something personal that i felt i could trust you with, and that your opinions, your input is desired and hoped for; i respect and admire you both, and these are just a few of the wonderful reasons you are you and from whose input i felt i could trust could gain insight from...so please accept my apologies for the messy way i've gone about trying to talk, trying to open up....

and please know i never meant to impose or overwhelm; these are simply my awkward ways of attempting to get closer to you, to allow to be done what my gut tells me is the right thing to do even if it can't tell me an easy way to do it...so i hope that i haven't scared you off or confounded you beyond belief...i've only meant to show you that for the first time in a really long time i feel i can not only allow myself to open up and get close to someone, or in this case 2 someones, but also that i want and need to...i have all the faith in the world in the 2 women i've sought to open up to and trust, i guess the thing is now to see if they have or want to have equal faith in me...

tipping point

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 04:59:04 GMT

how do you know when to give up on something? something huge, something important, something that means more to you than most things, but something you keep hoping and trying to adapt to or accept but are having an impossible time doing so....

how do you know when is enough time, enough effort wasted [since the changes these efforts are put toward aren't happening or happening enough] so that you get to a point where you know you'll never get to where you need to be? how do you know when this point has arrived? how do you make these kinds of decisions, what evidence do you look for that helps you know that you'll never get to where you need to be to be happy accepting things as they are?

how do you know when to abandon all hope? how do you know when it's not going to ever be ok? how do you know when to give up on something you don't want to, but something that simply won't work or can't be lived with unless you can get to a point of acceptance or deep understanding....an understanding which hopefully results in acceptance or embracing of the realities of it all...and even if you do get a point where you know things will never be ok enough, how does anyone begin to give up on something they don't want to, something that means so much?

i'm lost, here...truly.

this is not a post

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 21:44:27 GMT

no time for a real post yet, still nursing Tazia back to health which i'm happy to report appears to be going well...haven't even had time to do much else including replying with 'thank-yous' to the touching responses/emails i've gotten, but i will, i promise...i was SO touched by such wonderful words...

in the meantime here's a couple things to distract you; firstly it's how to ward off the evil eye just, you know, in case....and then there's always the element song written by a professor [from Harvard, if memory serves me well] in the '50s for those really bored moments of g33k3ry....

we shall return to your regularly scheduled programming soon...